Ever felt unwanted?

Today I came across this article Child asked to leave restaurant over facial scars from dog attack

It took me back to a situation we experienced a few months prior to Kaleo's diagnosis. We had to attend a meeting at Leilani's school regarding the upcoming statewide exams. The meeting was held in her classroom and was full of parents. We took our seats and Kaleo who was about 15-16 months sat in his stroller and was babbling to himself-he was nonverbal at that point. We were there about half an hour before we were asked to leave because Kaleo was "talking" too much. I will repeat my prior statement- he was nonverbal at that point. We were confused, taken aback and frankly hurt by the actions of her teacher. That same night I wrote her an email

Her teacher did not respond to this email...I then followed up with another email telling her I wanted to have a meeting with her. She eventually did respond and we set up a date to meet. When I showed up to the meeting the assistant principal joined us. Long story short..they both apologized for what happened. I made sure to let them know that the actions of the teacher were highly unprofessional. I told her if she had the secret as to how tell a toddler to be quiet and have them fully comply then she should let the rest of us in on the secret. Again, this was prior to Kaleo's diagnosis but I already knew something was going on with him.

I continue to experience the stares and unsolicited advice from people when Kaleo is having a meltdown. I've become accustomed to it and it doesn't phase me anymore. With that being said this experience on 1/26/12 was the first and last time I have left somewhere because Kaleo was being seen as a nuisance. I refuse to ever be made to feel that way and more importantly have my child ever be made to feel that. Autism rates in the United States are now 1 in 68 children. Awareness, acceptance and compassion need to become part of the human psyche.

A couple of months before that school year ended, Leilani's teacher announced she was pregnant with her first child. I've often wondered if she ever felt what I did that night or if she has ever felt as if her child wasn't wanted.

This is an example of typical babbling Kaleo did at that time

Kaleo - The beauty of autism

Today was Kaleo's first time ever going somewhere (besides school of course) without me. It was actually a school trip to a farm. Let me preface this by saying I had initially told the teacher he would not be attending the trip. 
When my daughter was his age I would not let her go to any school trip unless I accompanied her. Her teachers would say over and over how I could trust them, that no harm would come to her, but I would not let her go. It wasn't until she was in 5th grade that I let her attend school trips on her own.
So here comes the permission slip from Kaleo's school about this visit to the farm. Automatically my answer was NO!! my reasoning?...well he's only 4, he wears leg braces (even though with his "superhero legs" as he calls them he can run like no body's business), he might have a seizure, he might cry because he's away from mommy (ok, ok so that's more me than him), he might get bit by one of the animals, he might get lost and because.....he has autism. He likes to wander off, he doesn't always like holding hands-he likes to feel independent, he might have a meltdown but more so he might get lost!!!! I spoke to his dad and asked his opinion. He said send him, he needs to learn how to handle different situations. He was right but I still wasn't too sure.
Then it hit me....what a hypocrite I was. Here I talk about wanting him to grow up and be an independent person, someone who has learned to handle different situations, someone who has learned to function without me,someone who can continue to live his life on his own once I'm long gone but yet I was going to stop him from learning to do all that. I realized I had to let him go. I had to let him experience this. Of course, I went and spoke to his teacher in person and expressed my numerous concerns. She assured me she would hold his hand...she even promised me she would. She reassured me that Kaleo's 1:1 aide would be there with him the whole time also holding his hand.....it's her job to just watch him. I cannot lie thoughts of Avonte Oquendo quickly flooded my mind. Again, I had to stop..stop and let my child learn, I told his teacher okay he could go.
This morning I dressed him in comfortable clothes, adjusted his leg braces just right, packed his lunch-giving him a sandwich, water and goldfish crackers. I wanted to make sure his lunch wouldn't add to any anxiety he might have. I packed exactly what I knew he would love. I made sure to write in his communication notebook to his teacher how nervous and worried I was for him. I wanted to reiterate to her that someone needed to hold his hand..keep him safe..not let him wander off...watch for possible seizures.......keep him safe for me. As I watched him walk up the steps of the school bus, I wanted to cry...was I truly doing the right thing?? The trip would be from 9-1pm. At exactly 8:59am the nerves kicked in....they lasted up until I saw his school bus pull up..saw him exit and hugged my little man. He looked at me and gave me a kiss.

Do I want to say that today will be the last time I will ever feel unsure about sending him on a trip or having him be far from me? Of course I want to say that but it would be a flat out lie. 
However, what today has shown me is that as much as I want to keep both my children in a plastic bubble and protect them from the world, I cannot. I have to let them both learn and grow. Experience new situations. Trust and believe that they will be okay. Truly trust and believe that my child, my baby, my little rock star who happens to have autism will learn, will adapt, will enjoy and will conquer the adventures and situations placed before him. 

Above all, how I should never doubt his ability. Actually, that's the wrong statement. I don't doubt his ability because I see all he can do and all he has yet to do. Instead I will make sure to have the ability within myself to let him grow and learn. Remind myself that he has all the ability of the world, its just my inability of not letting all the immense love (and fear of everything that can go wrong) keep me from letting him blossom.

*****below you will find the actual note his teacher sent home*****

C'mon Mom, get it together!

Kaleo got extremely upset today because I gave him milk and cookies instead of cookies and milk. How dare I do such a thing?!